Character/Pairing: Kelly; Ryan/Kelly, Kelly/Dwight
Word Count: 1,673
Spoilers: Set during 2x10 "Christmas Party"
Summary: Kelly does some vodka-addled thinking.
Author's Note: The legendary firthgal gave me the prompt "Five times Kelly is turned on by Dwight." Sadly, I am all rusty writing-wise, and could only come up with one moment where my brain could even remotely move in that direction. And then Kelly started rambling, in that way that Kelly is wont to do, and ... thus, this?
Elves, just so you know, are actually really sexy and cool. Like, hi, Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings! Kelly had been really disappointed at first when she’d gone to see that in the theatre, because the whole reason she went was Elijah Wood, who was usually so cute and dreamy and almost pretty – Does that make her kind of a lesbian, to think Elijah Wood is pretty? Kelly isn’t sure. She doesn’t think it would bother her to be kind of a lesbian, as long as it was just enough of a lesbian that guys would think it made her sexy and free-spirited, like Marissa on The OC, and not like, full-on Ellen, because Ellen is super-amazing and everything and Portia de Rossi is like gorgeous, even if Kelly doesn’t really get that Arrested Development show because everybody says it’s so funny but every time she’s tried to watch it it just seems like it’s about a bunch of really mean dorky weirdos and ugly people, sort of like Elijah Wood in Lord of the Rings (oh, right!), not that he was ugly or anything, but he was all short and curly-haired and sorry, but she’s not going to think a hobbit is sexy. But then Orlando Bloom showed up out of nowhere, with his amazing bone structure and his hair streaming in the mythical wind like a Barbie’s, and that’s the story of how Kelly figured out that elves are sexy and cool, and gosh, Michael bought so much vodka.
Ryan the Temp looks, Kelly realizes, kind of a lot like Elijah Wood. But not weird and short. Maybe a little short. But his feet aren’t furry or anything, and his skin looks like porcelain and his eyes are so blue, and she suddenly really wishes he would come over and talk to her. He mostly just looks like he doesn’t want to be here, which is, she’s observed, how he looks most of the time. She doesn’t know why he’s so grumpy. She wishes someone would let her on the party planning committee. No one’s ever even asked her. Not even Phyllis.
Anyway. There’s a reason she was thinking about elves before, and it’s Dwight. Dwight isn’t a sexy Orlando-type elf, definitely not, no way. He actually looks pretty demented. But it’s Christmas and she feels really lonely all of a sudden, and she just got a stupid book for stupid Yankee Swap instead of that super-cute nameplate that Stanley got for her (she thinks that maybe secretly Stanley is like this really nice person) and it would be one thing if the book was by Meg Cabot, only the most amazing author ever, but it isn’t, and Pam has Roy here to be her fiancé and Jim here to be her cute boy bff, and Kelly doesn’t have anybody. Toby even stopped talking to her, and now he’s off hanging out with Kevin. Kevin. Gosh, even Kevin is cooler than her. Sometimes Kelly likes Kevin, because even though he’s pretty gross, he gives her M&Ms sometimes, and he also thinks Scarlett Johanssen is amazing. Probably for different reasons, but still. Kelly appreciates someone else being Team Scarlett, because Pam and Jim like to talk about how she has an evil face, which is so unfair, and Kelly doubts they ever even bothered to watch The Perfect Score. Pam even said that she thought Scarlett might be a succubus.
Kelly wishes she was a succubus. Then maybe she would have a boyfriend.
She watches as Dwight goes into the kitchen. He’s still wearing his elf ears – he put them back on after Michael took them off and threw them at him. They’re so pointy. She bets Dwight’s pretty lonely too. You’d have to be, living on a beetfarm, right? He has that cousin and everything, but Kelly’s not really sure he counts as a normal human. He never even leaves.
Kelly wonders if Dwight’s ever even had a girlfriend, or kissed anybody. Probably not. He’s pretty gross.
It must be really depressing to be like thirty or whatever and be unkissed. Kelly’s been kissed lots of times, and she’s still depressed, because it’s been awhile and she keeps waiting for the perfect guy to show up (all her friends and all the magazines say he’s supposed to) and it’s gotten to the point now where watching even Never Been Kissed just makes her sad because she’s starting to think maybe she’ll never find a really nice dreamy English teacher like Michael Vartan who teaches her how to believe in her dreams and kiss in a way that matters.
She would settle for Ryan the Temp looking at her.
But he doesn’t – just keeps sort of looking like he wants to die. (Maybe he’s suicidal and maybe if he actually looked at Kelly, they could talk and fall in love and have this great romance where she fully reminded him that life is beautiful and the world has things like flowers and puppies and Bonne Bell, and he would start smiling and realize that even when you work at a stupid paper company, life can be wonderful anyway. She would teach him all the things she’s figured out about life, like that it’s good to pay attention if you’re having a great hair day or your coffee tastes extra-good because it’s paying attention to that stuff that makes life good, and he would always be thankful the temping agency sent him here because it meant it sent him to her and she taught him how to listen to his heart. She could write a memoir about their relationship and Oprah would pick it for her book club and they could make a movie of it and it could star Elijah Wood and that girl from Bend It Like Beckham, although Michael wouldn’t get to hear about it, because she’s pretty sure that when Michael references Bend It Like Beckham in relation to her, it’s racist.)
Ryan the Temp’s not looking at her, though, and she thinks maybe she is pretty drunk, and poor Dwight’s still in the kitchen all by himself with his fake ears all pointy. And once you get past how creepy it is, which is a lot, it would actually be kind of totally cool to be the first kiss of somebody that old. There’s no way they wouldn’t just fall in love with you for life, and be totally impressed at what a good kisser you are. Kelly knows she’s a good kisser, because lots of boys have told her so (and she’s practiced on the mirror and her hand just to make sure) but maybe it would be sort of dangerous to kiss Dwight, because he seems like he might spit a lot or bite you or something. Dwight’s so weird. But it’s Christmas, and that might not be fair at all. Maybe it’s just because he’s never known the sweet elixir of a lady’s lips upon his own. (Which sounds just like something out of Shakespeare, or maybe Ever After.) Maybe he isn’t that bad looking underneath all the mustard colored shirts and the yucky hair. She could get him to get contacts, and teach him how to not be a yucky Michael-worshiping jerk, and his life would be totally changed. Maybe someday, they could look back on those days when he was a big freak and he would thank her for saving him. Maybe he’s even been secretly in love with her all along! He did try to rescue her when the office was on fire, and get all gross and sexy teaching her those fight moves.
Oh, God, Dwight is probably secretly in love with her!
She wishes it could be somebody else from the office. Toby, maybe, because there’s something about him that she thinks is really sweet and reassuring, even though he is mondo old and balding, and plus he has that kid. Or Jim, who is only the cutest guy everrrr, except he’s dating the purse girl and besides, Kelly’s not sure he’d want to come all the way back to hang out with her all the time when reception is so much closer. (Pam’s so lucky.) Or maybe Angela, who looks a little like Portia de Rossi; it could explain why she’s so mean to Kelly, and it wouldn’t be because she’s a bitch, after all – just because she has these secret feelings that all her church friends would totally judge her about. Kelly thinks maybe she would make out with Angela a little if Ryan the Temp wanted to watch.
But the point is, Dwight’s the one who has been suffering in silence for like years, and he’s probably standing alone in the kitchen right now because he’s hungry, but it’s a hunger that’s in his heart and he doesn’t realize, and it seems like the perfect time for a Christmas miracle. Maybe he’s sort of cute with his elf ears.
She looks one last time at Ryan the Temp, but he’s watching Creed and Meredith dancing with this look on his face like he can’t decide whether to laugh or barf. It is pretty gross.
And then, like he can totally hear her thoughts or something, he looks over at her.
Her heart skips a beat, and she gets that feeling that she usually gets when she’s out shopping and she finds something she loves; that almost dizzy feeling, like it’s too good to be true and she can’t believe somebody hasn’t bought it already and it’s like it was here all along, just waiting around to be hers.
His mouth twitches a little, like he’s going to smile. She feels herself start smiling too. But then he just shrugs, and gets distracted from gazing when one of the warehouse guys nearby starts talking to him.
The happy shopping feeling goes away.
And so she heads for the kitchen to save Dwight from loneliness. Orlando Bloom beats Elijah Wood anyway. Like, it’s not even a question.