The Crappiest Place On Earth - Modern Family, Mitchell/Cameron, ~600 words.
They start talking about a little weekend family getaway, just the three of them, and it’s all really nice until Mitchell says ‘Disneyland’ and Cam’s face does the exact opposite of what someone’s face is supposed to do in response to the word ‘Disneyland.’ So Mitchell asks. Of course he asks. And what he gets from Cam is: “Well, if you must know—” Lofty pause, loftier sniff— “—we have a feud.”
“You have a feud … with Disneyland.”
“Did I stutter?” Cam doesn’t even pause for a reply (which is probably for the best, since there are so many potential ones – so many variations on the eye-roll alone – and Mitchell can’t choose) before answering himself: “No, no I didn’t, because my elocution is stunning.”
“Absolutely, Henry Higgins. Say, does Disneyland know about this feud?”
“Oh, Disneyland knows, Mitchell. Disneyland knows.”
“So this isn’t That Cashier At Target all over again.”
“That Cashier At Target had it out for both of us. If she was a little defensive—”
“Um, I think the word you’re looking for is ‘frightened.’”
“—when I confronted her about it, well, that’s just because she hadn’t admitted it to herself yet. Thank God we saved her from all that repression.”
“Um, I think the phrase you’re looking for is ‘Thank God security saved her from us.’”
“Disneyland,” Cam says matter-of-factly, “is a menace. Underneath all the Pooh Bear and the dancing and the singing and the it’s-a-small-world, it is a land of hate and pain. You don’t want to get mixed up in that world. I barely made it out unscathed.” The silent end of this sentence is clearly ‘and if I barely made it out unscathed, then you, little man, are in trouble.’
“Disneyland it is!” says Mitchell.
It’s true. It’s all true.
Cam has a feud with Disneyland.
Their teacup breaks down. Captain Hook spits on them. (Mitchell knows he will never understand the logistics of how, from underneath the costume, but the fact remains.) Small World stops so that all the happy little animatronic children can stare them down. On the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, the talking skull and crossbones at the beginning says:
But keep a weather eye open mates, and hold on tight. With both hands, if you please. Thar be squalls ahead, and Davy Jones waiting for them what don't obey … Cameronnn Tuckerrrrrr …
And there’s no way of proving this, but Mitchell and Cam still agree that Pluto was scheming to kidnap Lily.
Lily still seems to have a pretty good time – which is the important thing, of course. Well, no, the really important thing is that at the end of the day, they finally get to leave.
“I’ll never doubt you again,” Mitchell sighs as they pass the front gates, and God, it feels nice not to have to worry that Disney princesses are stalking you, plotting murder. Or at least plotting to step on your toes ‘by accident.’ (Those crafty bitches.)
Cam smiles triumphantly.
“Actually—” Mitchell says, reassessing that statement.
“I know, I know,” Cam says, and pats him on the shoulder. “But I liked hearing it anyway.”
“I thought Cinderella was going to punch me in the face,” Mitchell marvels.
“She does that,” Cam says, in the all-knowing tones of someone who’s so been there.
"Go, Cinderella, go!" chants Lily. Sounding just ... way too enthusiastic.
Mitchell frowns. "Does she know what she's endorsing here?"
"Just keep walking away, honey," says Cam wisely.